don't let me go away

 

Talked to Jenny about our respective ongoing mental crises. She is neck deep in depression and has been for ages, but has always been resistant to medication. My mind/mood is a mess; I am in a mixed state as a baseline, I think, bobbing from deep depression to  agitated and anxious and even up to manicky on and off. I feel super restless and somatically weird most of the time, like my body is wrong. I don't know how else to describe it.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not in any danger, I promise, but I get out of bed every morning thinking why? and every second feels like a fight. I'm going to that new neurologist in Nashville at the end of February; who knows, maybe she can help. Lucky number 13. They're talking about medical trials and monthly infusions, and I just hope I can endure it. My bipolar disorder, I don't know. My pdoc continues to push for more drastic options, and honestly my resistance to the ECT is wavering. I am afraid, because of how my cognition is changing these past few years and how I am losing parts of my mind and parts of myself even without the treatment, and if I have the treatment, will I still be able to write? How can I reach in and pull out memories I connections if that space is empty? But why am I living in this hell, useless, without trying what might be a cure?

Pray for me.